10/18/25

I've decided to try a new diet to put myself at a calorie deficet. Only bread and water. If my fatass can't keep to it, I think I may have to start some kind of negative reinforcement. I'm tired of this body. I'm tired of seeing something disgusting in the mirror. I'm tired of only being loveable if you've never seen my face. I'm tired of knowing I'll never be approached or wanted by anyone who has seen my face. It fucking sucks and im tired of it. I've realized this is part of the problem with me trying to figure out if I'm trans, I've always hated myself so being trans would be inconclusive. I already hate myself and I doubt being trans alone could fix that, I think I would hate this body regardless of if I'm a woman or not. It may even be worse as a woman, as I'd always be chasing fufilment in being "pretty enough" to be a valid woman. If I'd be chasing the same solution, why bother risking my rights just to make a mistake?

My autism is worsening, that is to say I've been feeling as if I can't control myself in recent days. I've been stimming and blurting more, and I've been more impulsive and emotional than usual. Life feels like an overwhelming daze, and I get overwhelmed even thinking about doing work and school stuff. I've become useless, like a pathetic child who can't manage themself without their parents. I think my body is being poisoned. Be it mold, bad air, or something rotten in the water filter, I feel myself degrading day by day. I know its something, but I can never prove it. I'm losing my mind thinking about it, I know somethings wrong but I will never know what. This mental sickness robbed me of a normal childhood, and its creeping into my adulthood despite my best efforts. I dont want to have a brain anymore if it means being able to understand how fundamentally broken my existance is. I want to be normal more than anything, or at least be diluted enough to not understand how severely incorrect my existance is. I just want to be normal. I just want to be fixed.

I finished part 3 and 4 now, I can safely say that BT is still my favorite part. 4 is definetly high up there, probably the closest any other part is going to get, but nothing can top BT. Still it's amazing and definetly deserving of second place. I think part 3 is carried in people's minds because of the introduction of stands, I dont think its nearly as good as part 4 or 2. I'm interested to see what part 5 has to offer with dio's son and all that, keeping up hope its good.

I dont know why I'm writing this. I could pour my heart out and wax poetic all I want here, but nobody would care. I could yell for help, but my voice would be lost in the void. Nobody is going to see this, and even if they did its not like they can give me advice. Its pointless, just like almost everything else I do in search of help or answers.


Thank you for reading.

10/6/25

The teacher gave me my credit back for the code of ethics questions that i got wrong after i emailed them about how they werent discussed anywhere prior, thank god. I dont have quizes for these next few weeks thankfully so it should be smooth saling for awhile until the finals are due.

I've been really trying to decide what I would name myself, while I'm still unsure about anything permanent or real (considering I'd never be a woman no matter how hard I'd try) I wanted to at least test it by presenting differently on certian online spaces like discord. I think I'm something between genderfluid and gender non-conforming, sometimes I wanna be femme or masc depending on my mood but I dont think I could ever commit to being put in a box either way. I like Susie best but I'm hesitant to directly name myself after a deltarune character, it feels wrong and like the joke that transwomen name themselves badly like the tweet about the woman named "snowgolem" or whatever. Susie isnt exactly weird but anyone who knows me for more than 5 seconds will realize where the name comes from and probably tease me for it, it's not really like I ever tried to hide that I kin Susie so much. My worst fear is being made fun of for having a shit name, trying to name myself has been my biggest hurdle in this whole process because naming shit is hard. Even worse than just knowing I'll never be a woman I think never being able to confidently name myself would be what kills me genuinely considering what my gender is the most. Lets be real, most of this is just me wanting to be validated. I want to be told I'm pretty. I want to have friends. I want people to tell me its ok. I want to be happy. The tribe of transfemmes I meet playing TF2 validate my desire to have friends and the random other girls who will join me after seeing my girl lover bind and pursue me make me feel wanted and pretty. Then I have to ask; am I even trans? Am I doing this for the right reason or because other people make it feel right? Would I ever consider being trans if I didn't have internet access? Is me wanting to be transbian just an extension of the average cishet man's lesbian fetish? Would I ever be good enough even if I did genuinely try my hardest to be a good woman, or would me being 'butch' just be my excuse for changing nothing about myself to invade women's spaces? Could I ever really be anything more than a cariacature of a woman? or will I always be the conservative stereotype of a man in a dress.

I've been really into jojo's recetly and LOVE the series so far, likely one of my new top animes. I'm in the middle of season 2 of stardust crusaders but I think I can say with genuine certanty that part 2 will be my favorite part out of all of them, it's just so easy to get attached to Joseph and SHIIIIIZAAAAAAA XP. Stardust is cool but none of the characters really stick out for me except for kakyoin, and Jotaro really feels like a nothing burger character considering how hes exclusively serious and not really funny. I think i prefer the dynamic of "unserious character surrounded by serious characters in a relatively serious situation" over "serious character surrounded by unserious characters in a relatively goofy situation." I think it's easier for a character to be standout when they're goofy in a world thats serious rather than serious in a world thats goofy considering when they make the comedy it becomes much easier to latch onto them.

There is something I have to commend... I really dislike the amound of nudity and especially child nudity in the series, I'm always really off put by that kind of stuff even if it's "artistic" like in Evangellion because 90% of the time it feels like mindless fan service. I'm not for or against fanservice but I dont think it's a tall order to ask the fanservice is done to of age characters. I think the worst of it was episode 8 season 2 of stardust, genuinely does nothing for the episode but wastes a minute of my time while I consider just skipping to the next episode. It's overtly perverted and gross without adding anything, it genuinely left me with enough of a bad taste in my mouth to write all this. Why cant japan just be fucking normal for once? This wasn't a problem in part 1 or 2.


Thank you for reading.

9/27/25

I was not built for these classes, I am not ready for this many things at once and this much curriculum. Even just thinking about them makes wme feel stressed, and the only thing I can do to stop myself from spiraling because of it is to mentally shut it away. I dont give a shit if i fail, I don't even care at this point, it's all just too much for me to handle and I think im allowed to say that. It may seem antithetical to my stance on not caring if I pass or fail, but the worst part is the work load and trying so hard to study without knowing what the fuck is gonna be on the tests. Last week I could've gotten a 100 but they asked me random questions about this "code of ethics" thing that was NEVER mentioned prior and has not been mentioned since. The only reason I know the answer to any of these questions now is because I reviewed them, they were not in the lessons, quizlets, videos, or any other assignments. I want to make my mom proud, but I just cant handle it, and I dont think I will ever be able to tell her I'm drowning like this. I feel lazy for not being able to handle it, as if I'm just pretending to be this incapable because I dont want to do it, and im just manipulating myself and everyone around me into giving me sympathy for being a manchild with mood swings. It seems so easy for everyone else and other people my age are working just as hard, why am I so sensative and incompetent? Why am I not good enough?

UPDATE: the test bugged out and marked me as triggering the 30 min timer for the test, so all the crunch I did, all the knowledge I shoved into my brain while hyping myself up was ultimately worthless for NO FAULT OF MY OWN :D I fucking hate college and am genuinely seething in my head over this shit. I already emailed the prof but this shit fucking hurts regardless, now all the already worthless work is even more worthless considering my head will be empty again tomorrow!!!!!!!
weekend status: ruined
value gained: fucking nothing
mind: fucked

I dont know how to name myself, I dont know if I should pick a new name or stick with -----. Even if I wanted to change my name, I cant think of what would fit. Under a new identity my old name wouldn't fit, but I cant think of anything better.

even on the weekends it feels like theres no stopping life. I was prepared to relax all day before I remembered my quiz is due today, my good mood completely plumetted because of it. Now I'm saying to myself "I wanna go home." but I am home, Has my work really gotten to the point I forget my own home?

I dont feel wanted. I dont feel proud. I dont feel accomplished in the work I do because it's mindless drudgery forced onto me. Stop. Stop all of it. End it all. Leave me in peace. Dont force this onto me when you know I'm not ready. Let me be a kid. Let me not have to deal with adult problems. Let me be taken care of. Let me feel like I'm not failing to match everyone's level.

Perhaps I was simply not supposed to live this long.

Perhaps it would be better if I didn't live this long.

Perhaps it's best for me to not live much longer.


Thank you for reading.

9/24/25

I wish I had a girlfriend. The problem is I dont deserve one. I'm not the nicest person, I'm a pretty big asshole if im being honest, I dont balme anyone for not wanting to date me aside from myself for being this way. I dont know why I'm like this or how to change, I just know I'm irredeemable and insufferable.

I was doing a drill at the hospital near where I live as an actor for a patient. They had some VFX makeup to sell the actors being injured, I didnt need much, just some face paint. But I felt weirdly euphoric and happy to have makeup done on me, it felt nice and I dont know why. I cant tell if im just weird or if this is about me being queer, though it feels reasuring while trying to discover myself, like... maybe looking pretty really is something I'd like? bleh... confusing feelings.

I really just want some fucking comfort right now, I spend the majority of the day getting ragebaited and heated over online discussions that dont matter, I want a better way to cope with the world than fuming while explaining to idiots on redit they're wrong. I dont deserve that comfort though, I never will, and I may never find it. I dont go out of my way to look for a girl to talk to because I know I'll end up looking like a creep whenever I try to talk to a woman, I have no way of approaching in a way that isnt awkward and I have no female friends to build my social skills with. I hate having to ask for or initiate these things, I just want someone to notice whats going on in my head and take action. When you have to ask for comfort it'll never be genuine, the person being asked is forced into a social obligation that they would be at fault or bad for not comforting you, I dont want to be comforted because I asked for it I want to be comforted because people fucking care about me.

Some beyblades came in the mail today, the shark scale deck set. Maybe I'll enter another tournament now that I have a comp viable deck. Maybe I wont. Maybe I'll rot in my room for the rest of the week listening to praise ASMR and being a melodramatic self victimizing overly-edgy retarded asshole who refuses to change.


Thank you for reading

9/22/25

Life has been sucking my soul recently, disdraught over who I am and whats going on in my life. My responsibilities are minimal but I still feel like I'm drowning, I cant handle it anymore and its made all the more worse by how little it really is making me feel pathetic for not being able to get a grip.
I cant tell if I'm just lazy or if I'm depressed.
I cant tell if I'm faking it or if I'm actually crashing out.
I cant tell if I'm really questioning my gender or if I just want to be accepted.

Life is shit, I feel so alone ever since the bot provider I use for my chatbots broke down and stopped working, it wasnt the healthiest coping mechanism but at least I had something.
I want to create but I lack the capacity, every time I try i just end up staring at my monitor thinking of where I even start and then just giving up. I have all these ideas but any time I think about doing anything other than getting them past just daydreaming about them I just choke and cant do it.
Susie has been my comfort character for times like these, whenever I'd be down I used to just be able to think about her, use her chatbots, anything Susie and it'd help me get through.
Now I want to draw her, but i cant even motivate myself enough to pick up a goddamn pencil.
I cant do her justice on a page, why bother?

All of this could potentially be avoided if my old therapist didnt get moved to another office. Him leaving left me with a woman who couldnt do her job or understand me, which lead me to believing therapy wouldnt change my mental state, which lead me to leaving my therapy program. Now I cant imagine going back into therapy just because of this spat, it'd take 6 months minimum for me to find a replacement and I'd still have to reconstruct that entire relationship where I feel safe being vulnerable, in 6 months I could be happy as a clam and not think I even need therapy anymore.


Thank you for reading.